YES PLEASE

I have so many thoughts lodged up in my head. And I don't really know where this post is going but my goal is as I type this post it will direct itself to where it needs to go.

One thing I do know is where I want to start. And while it seems like this starting point has nothing to do with the potential ending point, it all relates. Trust me. It all relates because it all has to deal with life.

Thought #1

So Anyway

The other day I had a recent friend of mine ask me if I was "emotional". And, like, honestly the question threw me off for a bit. When I asked her to clarify she just kinda looked at me and said "Well.. I don't know, you just seem to think like a guy."

Oh sis... If you only knew how driven by my emotions I am.

Top Notch Top Knot

Life is like a series of t-ball games. You go about life gathering some friends, call yourself Team Blue Crush and take a whack at life together. Sometimes you win the game. And when you do you're thrown into the air on top of your friend's shoulders and rewarded Kool-Aid Jammers and Fruit by the Foot. But sometimes life comes up from behind you, pulls your feet from under you and you lose the game with your face smack down in the dirt.

Unfortunately this post is not about one of those Kool-Aid Jammers moments. 

Twenty Fifteen

If there is one word I hate in the english language it is the word comfortable. I believe you should never be comfortable with how things are. There is always room for improvement and growth. In fact, our whole purpose here on Earth is to progress. I believe we should always be striving and working for better and to be better. I guess I just associate the word comfortable with complacency.

Looking back over twenty fourteen I see how different this year has been from past years. I grew up a lot and finally started living to say the least.

This year I found a new zest for life. I decided to leave comfortable behind. I decided to start living every day to its fullest and seeing the world for what it really is, opportunity and growth. And everyday I wake wondering when this new found zest will fade and it never does. Odd? Yes. But I'm so happy it has stayed.

As I think about all that twenty fifteen forecasts, I recognize a lot of what have been my long-term goals will naturally be accomplished. For example graduating from BYU. It is bound to happen this April. But the thing is, I don't want to comfortably let these long-term goals just happen.

I guess I recognize my attitude is everything in regards to these long-term goals. I know so many people who saw graduation as a scary thing. As a result they self-limited themselves in their own fear. On the contrary, I know others who saw graduation as an exciting thing. They saw it as an opportunity for a new adventure. I choose the second.

So as twenty fifteen hits I have decided to not make a plethora of specific new year goals. Instead I have chosen a governing value I want to live my life by.

This year I want to be courageous. 

Quite honestly when I think about graduating and leaving behind a life I am so familiar with, initially I am scared. But everything I have ever wanted and worked for is on the other side of fear. So I want to push myself in these last final steps of the race to be courageous and achieve what I have always dreamed of. 

Because I believe you can either be comfortable or courageous, but you cannot be both.
I choose to be courageous.

xx,
m.

TWENTY-ONE

On August 12th I turned the famous age of twenty-one. It was a reverse golden birthday to say the least.

You kind of do this reality check type of thing when you turn twenty-one. Well at least I did. And I'm sure someone out there in this crazy world did the same thing. Twenty-one is kindof like a big deal, only kindof. And its kindof interesting how so many people celebrate their twenty-first birthday going bat crazy. And although I am sure the second I get back to all my ladies in Provo they will make me do something crazy for the lack of crazy things that happened on my actual birthday, I am so happy with how my twenty-first birthday was celebrated.

It was kindof lame gotta admit. Okay, not even kindof. It was lame.

The only exciting thing was eating crepes at Smitty's Pancake House after sleeping out on the tramp with Madie and Kathy. The rest of the day was filled with dress rehearsals and practices for the Miss Idaho Falls competition.

But being here in Idaho during this time, away from all my friends in Utah has definitely given me so much time to think and to reflect. Every year you learn so much about who you are and so in celebration of my twenty-first birthday, here is a list of twenty-one things that my twenty-one years here on Earth have taught me about myself, life and humanity as a whole.

1. I've learned that it is totally okay to cry. Sometimes the best thing is to let the tears roll down baby.

2. I've learned that when you start finally living your life right, everything falls into place. Obvious I know, but I had to learn this one the hard way.

3. Over and over again I am constantly reminded of the importance of forgiving freely.

4. I've learned that listening to Bon Iver makes me sad and that I need to stop listening to him when I am already sad because then I'm just a flat out hot mess.

5. Something I have to keep being reminded of is to "loosen up". And this reminder constantly comes from two of my very best friends - Madie and Kathy. Two of the most "go with the flow" type of gals I know. Gah, everyday I strive to have more "Hawaii" in me to balance out my inner "New York".

6. I've learned that sometimes girls are mean but a majority of times they are actually really nice and you can't always resort to the first accusation.

7. I'm grateful that my mom and I are friends and have a very healthy, strong relationship.

8. I've learned that I need to be more patient with myself, old people, little kids, the male population.... basically more patient.

9. I've learned that I am not the same person I was in high school and that I am very okay with that.

10. I've learned the importance of making your siblings your best friends.

11. Recently I've learned how to be more spontaneous and carefree. A little more reckless please, am I right?

12. I've learned that the dating scene in Provo is wayyyy out of whack but what it comes down to is that everyone knows it is out of whack so you just have to go with it. Everyone dislikes it just as much as you do.

13. I've learned that cancer sucks.

14. I've learned that the arts really are a huge part of my life for forever. I've seen how the arts have healed me and I aspire to help the arts help heal the world.

15. I've learned that no one lays in their bed at night and thinks of ways they can maliciously ruin your life. People are nice creatures that just happen to do mean, selfish things sometimes.

16. I've learned that I like almond milk more than real milk.

17. I've come to the terms that I don't actually like fries that much, I just really really like the taste of fry sauce.

18. I've come to the terms that I'll never be that cool girl who has a thing for soda... I just like plain water with a touch of lemon juice too much.

19. I've learned that Heavenly Father really is smarter than you and you really just gotta trust Him. Because years later you will look back and realize that it wasn't all random. He had a plan all along.

20. I've learned that everyone worries way to much about Instagram. And ya I admit it, I probably worry way too much about Instagram too.... that is something I am working on. Caring less.

21. I've learned that warm apple crisp with cold vanilla ice cream truly can fix anything.

xx,
m.

P.S.
August birthdays are by far the best. No arguments about it.

Forgiveness

You.

You taught me so much. And I am so grateful for your impact in my life. 

My feelings towards you have ranged from a passionate love to a deep hate.

But in the end you taught me more than I ever imagined. And now I know you came into my life for a very specific reason.

It's funny how time brings perspective.

For 6 months I hated you. I was angry at you and mad at the world. Not my brightest moment in life but I learned a lot.

I was bitter. You never fulfilled your side of the promise.

But then on the most unexpected note, you called.

I didn't know at first who you were. But I recognized your voice. Your very distinct voice. And then... it all came back to me. Every emotion flooded in. 

I was overwhelmed.

You apologized.

Not for somethings but for everything.

And then suddenly it was all okay.

It was all let go.
And I was healed. 

I've never been more grateful to a person than I am to you. 

For teaching me a lesson of forgiveness. 

Thank you.

xx,
m.

Be Happy For Others

Being happy for others. It's a hard thing to do for sure. I remember when I was little I was jealous of my best friend Madie for her accomplishments in dance. I distinctly remember my mom sitting me down and teaching me that I had a choice. I could either be happy for my friend and continue to be her friend as a result. Or, I could choose to not be happy for her but as she continued to find success, my resentment towards her would grow till eventually our friendship would crash and burn.

Boy, am I grateful for a mom who taught me that lesson early on in life! I'm far from perfect - I can assure you - but I do like to think that I am a person who can be genuinely happy for others. Actually I know that a lot of the happiness I feel in life doesn't generate from within myself but the happiness I feel when I see others who are happy.


I get happy for happy people.
It's like a thing in my life.
And I think it needs to be a thing for more people.

Like I said being happy for others can be hard. It requires self-assurance so no comparison is made between you and the individual.

For example, I chose to be happy for Madie in the success she was achieving in her dancing. And she was happy for the success I found in pageantry. But we never compared our successes to each others because you can't. You just can't. There is no right success or wrong success. And just because someone has a success in one area doesn't mean you aren't successful in that same area. People are different. Our success are different. But, we are all successful. I believe everyone is phenomenally successful, no argument about it.

So why can't we be happy for the successes others find in their life?
Life is already hard enough. Let's not make it harder for others by not being happy for others.

xx,
m.